☭ OnzeServer

Everything
is shared.Especially the blame.

Welcome, comrade, to OnzeServer — onze means ours, and we say it about everything: our bandwidth, our uptime, our fog, our one spoon. This is the People's Server. It belongs to you. It also belongs to the parrot. Please take a number.

Approved by the Committee

Nothing here is for sale, for rent, or for anyone. It simply is, collectively.

The Shared Ownership A red pirate ship with a hammer-and-cutlass flag sails on a sea made of floppy disks, under a sun that is also an eye. ONZE!
The Shared Ownership, flagship of the People's Admiralty. It has no captain: the captain is everyone, so the hat floats.

The Manifesto

Articles of the Collective

  1. The server is onze. If it breaks, that is also onze. Reboot in solidarity.
  2. The parrot speaks for all of us. The parrot knows four words. Three of them are "quota".
  3. Every byte shall be distributed fairly: one for you, one for the sea, one for Jasper's momma, who is counted twice because she occupies two chairs on the Committee.
  4. The horizon is a bourgeois construct. We have replaced it with a very long table.
  5. There are no admins. There is only a hat, and the hat is floating.
  6. Brunch is a weapon. Orange juice is the shell; the sparkling wine is the fuse. Fire at dawn, or whenever the croissants arrive.
  7. All clocks melt at 14:00. Meetings are therefore held at 14:00, forever.

The People's Admiralty

Our navy consists of one ship, three pirates, a parrot in a ushanka and the memory of a fourth pirate who went out for cigarettes in 1987 and became a lighthouse. Piracy, properly understood, is just sharing with extra steps.

C A P T A I N N O B O D Y

Comrade Captain Nobody

Commands nothing, owns nothing, is nothing. Universally respected. Receives all complaints and resolves them by floating slightly higher.

"QUOTA. QUOTA. QUOTA. CRACKER."

The Parrot Politburo

Repeats only approved slogans. Has never been wrong, because it has never said anything. Currently drafting the minutes of a meeting that took place at sea, underwater, tomorrow.

FIRE AT BRUNCH

The Yellow-Flowered Irregulars

A paramilitary brunch unit whose name we are not allowed to say, because the name is also a cocktail and also a tree, and the tree has lawyers. They load the cannons with orange juice and sparkling wine and fire strictly between 10:30 and noon. Casualties: mild headaches, one lost Sunday.

The People's Rack, melting gracefully over the edge of a very long table UPTIME: YES the fish is in charge of networking
The People's Rack. Status: melting on schedule. Networking is handled by a fish who has asked us not to name it, for tax reasons.

The Five-Year Plan

Now in its ninth year, on track, by decree.

ObjectiveQuotaAchievedCommittee note
Bytes sharedAll of themAll of them, twiceOver-fulfilled. Medals for everyone, including the bytes.
Pirates recruited43 + 1 lighthouseLighthouse counts. Lighthouse insists.
Clocks melted14:00 daily14:00 dailyPunctual.
Horizons abolished11Replaced with a table. Table is long. Table is onze.
Brunch sorties5253One unscheduled sortie attributed to "a very good mimosa… tree, in bloom".
Chairs for Jasper's momma12Structural necessity. Committee declines to elaborate.

Frequently Redistributed Questions

Who runs this?

Everyone. Therefore no one. Therefore the parrot, by default, on Tuesdays.

Can I have some?

You already have all of it. Check your pockets. Check the sea. Check under the hat.

Is this a real server?

It is as real as the horizon, which we abolished, so: yes, extremely.

Why is a fish doing the networking?

The fish applied. The fish was the only applicant. The fish has excellent latency and refuses to discuss packet loss, which it calls "the deep".

Is Jasper's momma on the Committee?

She is the Committee. The rest of us are seated on the other chair, in shifts.